The Grumpy Old Man[]
Portrayed by Dana Carvey. He was an embittered archetypical grandfather-figure with white hair, glasses, and a sour sneer. GOM would usually appear as a commentator complaining about the state of the world, mainly in regard to many modern conveniences. His complaints always included differences between today and "his day", each time ending with "...And that's the way it was, and we (you) liked it!"
EXAMPLES:
*"In my day, we didn't have safety standards for toys. We got rusty nails and big bags of broken glass!"
*"In my day we didn't have facial wipes. When you turned 17, you were given the family handkerchief!"
*"In my day, we didn't have ATMs. There was just one bank in each state, and it was open just one hour a year! You were born, you got in line, and you died!"
*"In my day, we didn't have disposable diapers. You just took a rabbit skin, wrapped it around your baby's loins, and tied it in place with a bungee cord! And we used the same one, over and over again!"
*"In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. A state-of-the-art head-trip meant taking a set of jumper-cables, and hooking yourself up to a half-zillion volt electrical generator! You'd run that sucker up to full power, and then switch on the juice! Before you knew what was happening, every hair on your body stood on end, sparks were jumping all over your skin, your clothing started to smoke, and your eyes began glowing like they were made out of plutonium! And you thought, Oh, no; maybe this wasn't such a smart thing to do! But it was too late! You were a French-fried human potato chip!"
*"In my day we didn't need moving pictures. There was just one show in town, and it was called STARE AT THE SUN! You'd sit in the middle of an open field and stare up at the sun until your eyeballs burst into flames! Soon your head was on fire, and people were roasting chickens over it!"
*"In my day, we didn't have dental floss or mouthwash. You picked your teeth with barbed wire, and gargled with battery acid!"
*"In my day, we didn't have recycling centers. When you had garbage that wouldn't burn, you dug a big hole right in your own yard. You buried the trash in the hole, and filled it up again! And as the months rolled by, the garbage reacted with the soil and turned into quicksand!"
*"In my day, we didn't have waterbeds. You and your entire family slept butt-naked on a huge pile of double-edged razor blades!"