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COLD OPEN: THE WOLVERINES[]

WRITTEN BY: Michael O'Donoghue

[ Open on a shabby downstairs room with two armchairs, an end table with a fringed lamp and a bare lightbulb hanging from the ceiling. The PROFESSOR (O'Donoghue) sits in the chair to the right, reading a newspaper. An IMMIGRANT (Belushi) of vague Eastern European origin walks downstairs into the room holding a large bag of groceries. ]

PROFESSOR: Good evening.

IMMIGRANT: Good evening.

[ The IMMIGRANT sits his bag down beside the left armchair and takes a seat. The PROFESSOR folds his newspaper and leans toward the IMMIGRANT, gesturing. ]

PROFESSOR: [enunciating slowly] Good e-ve-ning.

IMMIGRANT: [mimicking PROFESSOR] Good e-ve-ning.

[ The IMMIGRANT leans back, satisfied with his answer. ]

IMMIGRANT: Good e-ve-ning.

[ The PROFESSOR looks at his watch. ]

PROFESSOR: Let us begin.

[ He takes an old hardback book from the end table and opens it. ]

PROFESSOR: Repeat after me. "I would like..."

IMMIGRANT: I would like...

PROFESSOR: "...to feed your fingertips..."

IMMIGRANT: ...to feed your feengerteeps...

PROFESSOR: "...to the wolvereens."

IMMIGRANT: ...to de wolverines.

[LAUGHTER]

PROFESSOR: Next: "I am afraid..."

IMMIGRANT: I yam afraid...

PROFESSOR: "...we are out..."

IMMIGRANT: ...we are out...

PROFESSOR: "...of badgers."

IMMIGRANT: ...of bad-gers.

PROFESSOR: "Would you accept..."

IMMIGRANT: Would you assept...

PROFESSOR: "...a wolvereen..."

IMMIGRANT: ...a wolverine...

PROFESSOR: "...in its place?"

IMMIGRANT: ...in ess plase?

[LAUGHTER]

PROFESSOR: Next: "Hey, Ned exclaimed!"

IMMIGRANT: Hey, Ned essclaim.

PROFESSOR: "Let's boil..."

IMMIGRANT: Less boil...

PROFESSOR: "...the wolverines."

IMMIGRANT: ...de wolvereens.

[LAUGHTER]

PROFESSOR: Next:

[ The PROFESSOR clutches his chest, suffering a massive heart attack. He stumbles out of his armchair and onto the floor. The IMMIGRANT raises his eyebrow curiously, looks around, then mimics the PROFESSOR's heart attack and falls onto the floor beside him. A STAGE MANAGER (Chase) walks onto set with a clipboard and surveys the scene, muttering something inaudible into his headset. He looks into the camera and proclaims: ]

STAGE MANAGER: Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!

OPENING TITLES[]

DON PARDO: NBC's Saturday Night!

Starring George Carlin!

With Janis Ian and Billy Preston!

A film by Albert Brooks!

Jim Henson's Muppets!

The Not for Ready Prime-Time Players!

And comedians Valri Bromfield, Andy Kaufman!

Ladies and gentlemen, George Carlin!

MONOLOGUE[]

WRITTEN BY: George Carlin

[ GEORGE CARLIN enters the stage from the audience's seats, dressed in a suit jacket, pants and vest with a plain grey t-shirt underneath. He makes vigorous hand gestures once onstage as if to ask the audience, "You believe this?" ]

CARLIN: Talk about a live show! Wow! Nice to see you. Welcome and thanks for joining us live.

Um, kinda glad that we're on at night... so that we're not competing with all the football and baseball games. So many, man. All the time. And this is the time of year when there's both, you know? Football's kinda nice, they changed it a little bit. They moved the hash marks in. Guys found 'em and smoked 'em anyway.

[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]

But y'know, football, uh, wants to be the national... uh, the number one sport. The national pastime. And I think it already is, really, because football represents something we are. We are Europe Junior. When you get right down to it, we're Europe Junior. We play the Europe game. What was the Europe game? "Let's take their land away from them!"

[LAUGHTER]

"You be the pink in the knot, we'll be the blue, they'll be the green." Ground acquisition. And that's what football is, football is a ground acquisition game. You knock the crap out of eleven guys and take their land away from them! 'Course, we only do it ten yards at a time. That's the way we did it with the Indians. One by little by little. First down in Ohio, Midwest to go!

Uh, I think it's not surprising that, uh, that football vies and, uh, tries-- Let's put it this way. There are things about... the words surrounding football and baseball... which give it all away. Football is technological. Baseball is... pastoral.

[LAUGHTER]

Football... is played in a stadium. Baseball is played in a park!

[LAUGHTER]

In football, you wear a helmet. In baseball, you wear a cap!

[LAUGHTER]

Football is played on an enclosed... rectangular grid and every one of them is the same size. Baseball is played on an ever-widening angle... that reaches to infinity... and every park is different!

[LAUGHTER]

Football is rigidly timed. Baseball has no time limit. We don't know when it's gonna end!

[LAUGHTER]

We might even have extra innings!

[LAUGHTER]

In football, you get a penalty! In baseball, you make an error. Whoops!

[LAUGHTER]

The object in football is to... march downfield and penetrate enemy territory. And get into the End Zone. In baseball, the object is to go home!

[LAUGHTER]

I'm going home!

[LAUGHTER]

And in football, they have the clip, the hit, the block, the tackle, the blitz, the bomb, the offense and the defense. In baseball, they have... the sacrifice.

[LAUGHTER & APPLAUSE, FADE TO BLACK]

COMMERCIAL: NEW DAD[]

WRITTEN BY: [1]Rosie Shuster

[ Open on a typical suburban living room, plush green couch, SON (uncredited extra) is sat drawing something on the coffee table. OLD DAD (Aykroyd) enters, setting his hat and briefcase on a chair. ]

OLD DAD: Honey, I’m home!

SON: [jumping into OLD DAD's arms] Daddy! Daddy!

OLD DAD: Hey, pal! Hahahaha! How you doin'?

[ OLD DAD sets his son down by the fireplace and greets his WIFE (Jackie Carlin), who enters stage left, with a kiss]

ANNOUNCER: You have a lovely home, a good job, solid investments, a wonderful family. Everything you need for the future... or is it?

[ OLD DAD sits happily on the couch next to a framed wedding photo of himself and his WIFE. ]

ANNOUNCER: What if you were suddenly out of the picture?

[ A large black X appears superimposed over OLD DAD's face with a cheerful *ding!* and he fades out of the room. ]

ANNOUNCER: Should tragedy strike, what would happen to them?

[ The SON and WIFE sit bored by the fireplace, each resting their chins in their hand and staring off somewhere. ]

ANNOUNCER: Sure, you’ve provided for them financially, but what about their emotional and physical needs?

[ NEW DAD (Chase) enters and sets his hat and suitcase on the chair. ]

NEW DAD: Honey, I’m home!

SON: [jumping into NEW DAD's arms] Daddy! Daddy!

ANNOUNCER: Yes, it’s New Dad. A radically new concept in family insurance coverage. Within seconds after Old Dad is out, we’ll have New Dad there to take his place.

[ NEW DAD sets SON down by the fireplace and sits on the couch. ]

ANNOUNCER: Is your family completely covered? Not just financially, but in every way?

[ NEW DAD lustfully gestures to his WIFE to sit on his knee. They embrace passionately. ]

ANNOUNCER: Why not call your local independent insurance agent today and ask him about our New Dad policy... before it's too late? That's New Dad: the only insurance that covers all of their needs.

[ The camera pans over to the framed wedding photo. NEW DAD sticks a printed cutout of his own face over OLD DAD's to update it. ]

ANNOUNCER: New Dad: Tops in Pops.

MUSICAL GUEST[]

Billy Preston performs "Nothing from Nothing" from his 1974 album The Kids & Me.

BILLY PRESTON: Ow!

DON PARDO: And now, Billy Preston, with "Nothing from Nothing!"

PRESTON:

Nothing from nothing leaves nothing

You gotta have something if you wanna be with me

Nothing from nothing leaves nothing

You gotta have something if you wanna be with me

Yeah, yeah! That's right, baby. Yeah, baby. Yeah!


I'm not trying to be your hero

Cause that zero is too cold for me (Brrrrr!)

I'm not trying to be your highness

'Cause that minus is too low to see

Aw, yeah. Yeah! Yeah, yeah. Yeah!


Nothing from nothing leaves nothing

And I'm not stuffing, believe you me

Don't you remember I told ya

I'm a soldier in the war on poverty

Yes, I am. Yeah, yeah. Yeah! Yeah, baby.


Nothing from nothing leaves nothing (ain't that right?)

You gotta have something if you wanna be with me (oh, baby)

Nothing from nothing leaves nothing

You got to have something if you wanna be with me

Yeah, baby. Yeah! That's right. Yeah. Your baby!


You gotta have something if you wanna be with me

You gotta bring me something, girl, if you wanna be with me

You gotta know how to party!

You gotta know how to party! You gotta know how to party, children

If you wanna be with me

SKETCH: TRIAL[]

WRITER UNKNOWN

[ Open on a courtroom. The JUDGE (Coe) bangs his gavel on his lectern. A portrait of Gerald Ford hangs behind him. The PROSECUTOR (Chase) stands to his left, ready to question the WITNESS (Curtin). The DEFENSE ATTORNEY (Morris) waits his turn to her right.]

JUDGE: I must have order, please, or I'll be forced to clear this courtroom.

PROSECUTOR: Now, Miss Davis, would you kindly tell the court in your... own words... what the defendant allegedly said to you when he pulled you into the alleyway?

WITNESS: He said, "Hey... Hey, baby, h-how'd you like to, uh..." I can't! I-I...

[ The WITNESS gives the JUDGE a pleading look, he bangs his gavel. ]

JUDGE: Now please, Miss Davis... I know this is very difficult for you, but this is extremely important evidence.

[ The WITNESS tries to regain composure. ]

WITNESS: He said, "How-- how'd you like to, uh..." Oh, don't make me say it, I--

DEFENSE ATTORNEY: [with a Caribbean accent] Objection! The witness is not on trial here! Now obviously, what he said was too upsetting for her to repeat!

PROSECUTOR: Objection! Hearsay.

JUDGE: Gentlemen, gentlemen.

[ The JUDGE motions for both lawyers to approach him. ]

JUDGE: Now, since this evidence is so extremely important... perhaps Miss Davis might write down the defendant's remarks on a piece of paper?

[ Both lawyers nod in agreement. The JUDGE hands the paper to the WITNESS, who writes down the offending remark. She hands it to the JUDGE, who reads it with visible disgust. He hands the paper over to the DEFENSE, who reads it, then expressionlessly hands it off to the PROSECUTOR. He shakes his head, then gives the paper to the FOREMAN of the jury (Aykroyd). He raises his eyebrows and exhales in disbelief, then hands the paper to the next JUROR (Belushi). He reads it quickly with distaste, then turns to the next JUROR down (Radner), finding her asleep. He jostles her awake and hands the paper to her. She turns to the last JUROR, believing the note to be a come-on, winks and gives him the OK sign. He seems pleased. FADE TO BLACK ]

ANDY KAUFMAN[]

DON PARDO: And now, here's Andy Kaufman!

[ ANDY KAUFMAN stands nervously, wordlessly next to a record player. He gently places the needle on the record: it's the Mighty Mouse Theme ("Here I Come to Save the Day"). The record plays as KAUFMAN stands and fidgets slightly, waiting for his moment. ]

Mister Trouble never hangs around

When he hears this Mighty sound

[ KAUFMAN gestures boldly out towards the audience as he lip-synchs Mighty Mouse's catchphrase with gusto. ]

Here I come to save the daaaaaay!

[ As soon as the line ends, KAUFMAN returns to his normal, nervous stance. ]

That means that Mighty Mouse is on the way!

Yessir, when there is a wrong to right

Mighty Mouse will join the fight

[ KAUFMAN moves to make his gesture, but recognizes that he's jumped the gun. He turns down his head, chastened. ]

On the seas or on the land

He gets the situation well in hand!

So though we are in danger, we never despair

'Cause we know where there is danger, he is theeeeeeeeeeeeere!

(He is there! On the land! On the sea! In the aaaaaaaaaair!)

We're not worryin' at all!

We're just listenin' for his call

[ KAUFMAN realizes his moment is at hand. He springs into action. ]

Here I come to save the daaaaaay!

[ He returns to standing position as the crowd goes wild. ]

That means that Mighty Mouse is on the way!

[ There is a long instrumental passage. KAUFMAN uses this time to drink a glass of water. He stands back in position, wiping his lip. ]

We're not worryin' at all!

We're just listenin' for his call

[ KAUFMAN seizes his moment. ]

Here I come to save the daaaaaay!

[ He returns to position. ]

That means that Mighty Mouse is on the way!

[ KAUFMAN bows as the audience cheers. He seems as surprised that they liked it as the home audience likely is. ]

MONOLOGUE 2[]

WRITTEN BY: George Carlin

[ Cut to GEORGE CARLIN standing alone on the Monologue Stage, surrounded by audience. He mimes playing a trombone. ]

CARLIN: How many of you have heard this in your home? Where's the good scissors?

[LAUGHTER]

I can't keep anything nice in this house!

Here's another thing you'll hear at home: mostly guys say this. Hey, who stole my underwear?

[LAUGHTER]

Somebody stole my underwear! Which one? This week's underwear!

[LAUGHTER]

Do you... ever look at the crowds in old movies and wonder if they're dead yet?

[LAUGHTER & APPLAUSE]

I do. I can't help it. I do. [impish smirk]

Have you ever tried to throw away... an old wastebasket? [incredulous look] Can't do it! People keep bringin' it back to you, man. Hey, uh, yer wastebasket was in the garbage here.

[LAUGHTER]

Check this out, when you have a package of bacon... underneath all the neat horizontal strips, there's always one weird piece of bacon like [CARLIN contorts himself and makes a weird face].

[LAUGHTER & APPLAUSE]

What do dogs do on their day off?

[LAUGHTER]

They can't lie around, that's their job, man!

[LAUGHTER]

As you know, they search you pretty well at the airport. There'll be lots of places later they'll be searching us, but the airport is where they're kinda trying it out. And as you know, they... send your bags through to make sure there're no weapons. Don't want any weapons on the plane, y'know! And the little fluoroscope job and they run you through the model home and then no weapons! let 'im on. You get on the plane, and you're clean! What do they do? They give you a knife and a fork and all the wine you can drink, man.

[LAUGHTER]

Man, I could take over a plane with a piece of looseleaf paper, right? Just hold it at the stewardess's neck and threaten paper cuts!

[LAUGHTER]

[CARLIN mimes menacing a woman with a piece of paper] Do what he says! Do what he says!

[LAUGHTER]

Oh! There's a moment coming... there's a moment coming, it's.... it's not... it's not here yet. It's on the way. Still in the future. Here-- Here it is! Oh, it's gone, man!

[LAUGHTER]

There's no present! Everything is the near future and the recent past! No wonder we can't get anything together, we got no time, man!

[LAUGHTER]

We would like to introduce to you... Janis Ian.

[APPLAUSE]

MUSICAL GUEST[]

Janis Ian performing "At Seventeen" from her 1975 album Between the Lines.

I learned the truth at seventeen

That love was meant for beauty queens

And high school girls with clear-skinned smiles

Who married young and then retired


The valentines I never knew

The Friday night charades of youth

Were spent on one more beautiful

At seventeen I learned the truth


And those of us with ravaged faces

Lacking in the social graces

Desperately remained at home

Inventing lovers on the phone

Who called to say, "Come dance with me"

And murmured vague obscenities

It isn't all it seems

At seventeen


A brown-eyed girl in hand-me-downs

Whose name I never could pronounce

Said, "Pity, please, the ones who serve

They only get what they deserve"


And the rich-relationed hometown queen

Marries into what she needs

With a guarantee of company

And haven for the elderly


Remember those who win the game

Lose the love they sought to gain

In debentures of quality

And dubious integrity

Their small-town eyes will gape at you

iN dull surprise when payment due

Exceeds accounts received at seventeen


To those of us who knew the pain

Of valentines that never came

And those whose names were never called

When choosing sides for basketball


It was long ago and far away

The world was younger than today

When dreams were all they gave for free

To ugly duckling girls like me


We all play the game and when we dare

To cheat ourselves at solitaire

Inventing lovers on the phone

Repenting other lives unknown


They call and say, "Come dance with me"

And murmur vague obscenities

At ugly girls like me

At seventeen

SKETCH: VICTIMS OF SHARK BITE[]

WRITER UNKNOWN

[ Open on title card: a Jaws-esque shark with the name of the show written in its mouth. Music cue; "Mack the Knife" by Bobby Darin. ]

Oh, the shark, it

Has such teeth, dear

And it shows them

Pearly whites

[ Cut to our host, PHYLLIS CRAWFORD (Curtin), seated in front of a fern. ]

CRAWFORD: Hi, I’m Phyllis Crawford, and welcome to Victims of Shark Bite. My first guest: Mr. Martin Gresner from Long Island, New York.

[ Reveal MARTIN GRESNER (Belushi), seated opposite Ms. CRAWFORD with one leg tucked underneath him and one coat sleeve empty. ]

CRAWFORD: Mr. Gresner, would you tell our audience... just how you became a victim of shark bite?

GRESNER: I’d be happy to, Phyllis. Uh.. I was swimming about fifty yards offshore from my summer home in Mattatuck, Long Island. It was high tide, and all of a sudden, I felt this sharp, piercing pain in my left shoulder. I didn’t know what it was at first, uh... my left arm felt numb.

[LAUGHTER]

GRESNER: Well, my arm was gone. Since then, I’ve had to learn how to do everything with my right hand.

CRAWFORD: Just when did this incident take place?

GRESNER: Oh, I'd say maybe... [takes his left arm out from under his coat and counts] ...three, four months ago.

[LAUGHTER]

GRESNER: And that, uh... I’ve learned how to shave with my right hand and eat with one hand--

CRAWFORD: Just a minute, Mr. Gresner, but uh, it appears to me as though you do have a left arm there.

GRESNER: Nope! It’s gone, see? [flaps his empty coat sleeve around] Shark bit it off! Nothing there!

CRAWFORD; No, Mr. Gresner, that’s your sleeve. [she opens Mr. GRESNER's coat] You do have a left arm and it looks perfectly normal to me.

[ GRESNER moves around his left arm as if he's just become aware that he still has it. ]

GRESNER: Is that so?

CRAWFORD: Yeah.

GRESNER: [seizes his right knee] It was my leg! My leg! He bit my leg off, you see. I have to hop around on one foot. I’m an invalid, I have to have a wheelchair--

CRAWFORD: Uh, no. Mr. Gresner, you do have a leg there, it’s tucked under your other leg. [she grabs GRESNER's right foot and yanks his leg out] You see? You’re fine! There’s nothing wrong with you.

GRESNER: Well, I saw that movie where that guy had his leg bit off and it fell to the bottom of the ocean...

CRAWFORD: We’ll be back with another victim of shark bite after this commercial message.

GRESNER: [points to his chin] I’ve got a scar here where my sister pushed me off a porch and...

[APPLAUSE]

COMMERCIAL: JAMITOL[]

WRITTEN BY: Michael O'Donoghue

[ A MAN (Chase) and his WIFE (O'Donoghue) stand in front of a brown backdrop. ]

MAN: This is my best friend, my business partner, my advisor, my companion, my wife. And I love her. She’s quite a gal, you know. She takes care of the house, cooks great meals, makes studded leather vests at our own boutique, and still has enough energy to give me the attention and affection I need at the end of a long day. I don’t know how you do it.

WIFE: Well, I take care of myself. I get plenty of rest, go to the Y, eat right. To make sure I get enough iron and vitamins, I take Jamitol every day. [sticks a pipe in his mouth]

MAN: Makes me take it, too.

[ Cut to two bottles of Jamitol and a spoon. ]

ANNOUNCER: Jamitol. More than twice the iron and high-potency vitamins found in other supplements. Tablet or liquid.

[ Cut back to the loving couple. ]

MAN: My wife. She's quite a gal. And I love her for it.

[They exchange a fond glance. APPLAUSE]

SNEAK PEEK[]

[ Open on PAUL SIMON, alone on a stool holding an acoustic guitar. ]

PAUL SIMON: I'm Paul Simon... and I'll be hosting the NBC Saturday Night show next week. I'll be joined by Randy Newman, Phoebe Snow and my ex-partner Art Garfunkel for a little Simon & Garfunkel reunion. I hope you'll watch.

[FADE TO BLACK]

WEEKEND UPDATE[]

[ Open on a gray news desk with a black telephone and a sign behind the ANCHOR (Chase) that reads "WEEKEND UPDATE". CHASE quickly hangs up the phone. ]

DON PARDO: And now, Weekend Update with Chevy Chase.

CHASE: Good evening, I'm Chevy Chase. Our top story tonight: dedication ceremonies for the new Teamsters Union Headquarters building took place today in Detroit, where Union President Fitzsimmons was reported to have said that former President Jimmy Hoffa will always be a cornerstone in the organization.

[LAUGHTER]

Now, world leaders in the news: Japan Emperor Hirohito met Mickey Mouse at Disneyland this week. The Emperor presented Mickey with a Hirohito wristwatch.

[LAUGHTER]

Dateline: Washington. At a press conference Thursday night, President Ford blew his nose. Alert Secret Service agents seized his handkerchief and wrestled it to the ground.

[LAUGHTER]

And, yesterday, in Washington, President Ford bumped his head three times getting into his helicopter. The CIA immediately denied reports that it had deliberately lowered the top of the doorway.

[LAUGHTER]

Mr. Ford was on the campaign trail, announcing in Detroit that he has written his own campaign slogan. The slogan? “If He’s So Dumb, How Come He’s President?”

[LAUGHTER]

The Post Office announced today... Just a second, I lost my place. Oh! The Post Office announced today that it is going to issue a stamp commemorating prostitution in the United States. It’s a ten-cent stamp, but if you want to lick it, it’s a quarter.

[LAUGHTER, CHASE bangs on his desk]

Murder at the Blaine Hotel again! For a live report, let's go to Laraine Newman in midtown Manhattan at the Blaine Hotel. Laraine?

[ LARAINE stands in front of a hotel doorway with a microphone and a stern, professional expression on her face. ]

NEWMAN; Chevy, I’m standing outside a room on the fifteenth floor of the Blaine Hotel, where number 38 in a series of grizzly and bizarre murders has occurred just over an hour ago.

[ The camera pans down to see the victim's body, covered by a sheet with three stocking feet sticking out below. ]

The motive, again: murder, as it has been in the previous 37 slashings. In a fit of pique, the Mayor has called the Blaine Hotel "a pockmark on the neck of midtown Manhattan." Once again, grisly death and murder in the Blaine Hotel. Laraine Newman reporting.

[ Back to the Weekend Update desk. ]

CHASE: Still to come: Earthquake claims San Diego, four million die in Turkey and Arlene visits an art museem!

COMMERCIAL: TRIOPENIN[]

WRITTEN BY: Tom Schiller

[ Open on a pair of hands (Chase) spotlit against a black background. They rub each other as if attempting to soothe aches and pains. ]

ANNOUNCER: Arthritis in the adult is painful, lonely, and sometimes difficult to manage. Arthritis is particularly annoying when coupled with neuralgia and severe muscular tension. Abrupt weather changes can add discomfort.

[ Bright red backlights flash on to indicate the inflammation. ]

Inflamed tissues can cause local swelling, calling for special relief.

[ A bottle of Triopenin appears between the hands. ]

Triopenin, a compound of powerful anti-arthritic spantials and antihistamines, speeds soothing relief where needed.

[ The hands try unsuccessfully to screw open the bottle cap, striking and trying to pry it off by any means. ]

Triopenin is gentle, non-habit-forming, aids in soothing muscles and liberating stiff, painful joints. Soon, you’re handling life again, feeling better, and getting a firm grasp on the situation.

[ Cut to two bottles of Triopenin, one smashed to pieces with pills scattered about. ]

Triopenin: get your hands working again. Now with the new child-proof safety cap.

WEEKEND UPDATE[]

[ Cut to a hand-drawn advertisement card for the Blaine Hotel. ]

DON PARDO: Guests on NBC Saturday Night stay at the fabulous Blaine Hotel in midtown Manhattan. The Blaine: a tradition for more than half a century.

[ Cut to the Weekend Update desk. ]

CHASE: Our final story tonight concerns the birth of a baby sandpiper at the Washington Zoo. It’s the first such birth of--in captivity on record. The pip made its debut at 9:18 this morning, weighing in at just under fourteen grams, and, according to zoo officials, resembled its mother quite closely. The name given our fuzzy little friend? Simply “Pip”.

One humourous note: the bird was stepped on and crushed to death this afternoon by Goggles, the baby hippo born in captivity last Wednesday.

[LAUGHTER]

Well, that’s the news this evening. This is Chevy Chase. Goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[CHEVY picks up the receiver and dials out again. FADE TO BLACK]

THE LAND OF GORCH[]

WRITER UNKNOWN

[ Open on a desolate, smoking, cratered landscape. Very little fauna. ]

DON PARDO: Come with us now, from the bubbling tar pits to the sulfurous wasteland. From the rotting forest to the stagnant mud flats!

[ Cut to PLOOBIS (Jim Henson), a green ogre-like puppet covered in jewelry. ]

PLOOBIS: [singing off-key] From the bubbling tar pits / To the sulfurous wasteland / From the rotting forest / To the stagnant mud flats / This land was made for me! And me only! 'Cause I am Ploobis! King of all I survey. Hmm!

[ PLOOBIS reaches into a crater and takes out a phone receiver. ]

PLOOBIS: Scred?! Scred?!

[ SCRED (Jerry Nelson) slinks in from stage left, taking PLOOBIS by surprise. ]

SCRED: Yes, O High Supreme Mucky-Muck, sir?

PLOOBIS: Scred, I'm hungry.

SCRED: Oh, what would please Your Flatulence?

[ PLOOBIS begins choking out SCRED. ]

PLOOBIS: FOOD! See, I'm hungry! And when I'm hungry, I get a headache! And when I get a headache, I get, uh... um...

SCRED: Uh, furious?

PLOOBIS: No!

SCRED: Uh, angry?

PLOOBIS: No!

SCRED: Uh, cranky?

PLOOBIS: No!

SCRED: Duh, peevish?

PLOOBIS: No!

SCRED: Uh, irked!

PLOOBIS: NO!

SCRED: Mildly annoyed!

PLOOBIS: THAT'S IT!

[ PLOOBIS strikes SCRED in the face and releases his grip on SCRED's neck. ]

SCRED: Oh, thank you sire.

PLOOBIS: I get mildly annoyed when I don't have food.

SCRED: [still catching his breath] I'll see to it immediately, Your Grossness. [he exits, stage left]

PLOOBIS: This is something that, uh, Peuta should've taken care of.

[ PEUTA (Alice Tweedie) walks in from stage right. ]

PEUTA: I HEARD THAT! I don't have time to worry about your food. Especially in my condition.

[ PLOOBIS snorts in contempt. ]

PEUTA: I said: Especially in my condition.

PLOOBIS: Especially in your condition.

PEUTA: Yes.

PLOOBIS: [dismissive groan] And?

PEUTA: Yes!

PLOOBIS: What do you expect me to do about it? You're too old to molt!

PEUTA: Gahh! Oh, Ploobis. I don't know what my problem is. I'm just not in the swing of things! I... you say... I'm having tremendous difficulty releasing my darts.

PLOOBIS: [disgusted] Releasing your darts? Ugh. What should I do about that?

PEUTA: Well! Go to the Mighty Favog. He's the only one who can relieve my pain.

PLOOBIS: Ugh. Your pain is my pain, m'dear.

PEUTA: Ah ha ha. Well, I'm going to lie down now. Perhaps the darts will loosen.

PLOOBIS: Hmm.

SCRED: Uh, would it help if I massaged your moogies, madame-- OW OW OW OW!

[ PLOOBIS grabs SCRED by the face. ]

PLOOBIS: SCRED!

SCRED: Only joking! Only kidding, your majesty!

PLOOBIS: Don't say that if you don't mean it.

[ VAZH (Rhonda Hansome) enters from stage left as SCRED staggers off to the right. ]

SCRED: Yes, sire.

PLOOBIS: Ah! There we are.

VAZH: Well, here's your food, Ploobis!

PLOOBIS: Well, thank ya, Vazh.

[ PLOOBIS takes a leg of meat from VAZH. ]

PLOOBIS: Hmm, what'cha got here? [grumbling] Let go of it, would you?

[ PLOOBIS eats the meat off the bone. ]

PLOOBIS: Mmm! Mmm! That tastes like boiled Kleenex. Mmm! Mmm. This tastes familiar, is this anybody I know?

VAZH: Well, you want dessert, Ploobis?

PLOOBIS: Ah... what I want, Angel Buns... is not on the menu. C'mere, you.

[ PLOOBIS takes VAZH in a passionate embrace. ]

PLOOBIS: Mmm. Yeah. Ahh, sweetheart. Mmmm.

[ PEUTA walks in on the two from behind. ]

PEUTA: PLOOBIS! What are you doing?!

[ PLOOBIS, shocked, drops VAZH to the floor. She slowly rises, dazed. ]

PLOOBIS: Uh! Well, uh, uh... 'scuse me, ma'am. Uh! I was just on my way to the Mighty Favog! You see.

[ A gong sounds. Cut to THE MIGHTY FAVOG (Frank Oz), an ancient Indo-American sculpture. ]

FAVOG: Dis is da Mighty Favog. How many in your party?

[LAUGHTER]

PLOOBIS: Uh... uh... uh, one. Me and Scred.

FAVOG: Talk to me.

PLOOBIS: O Mighty Favog! I got a problem.

FAVOG: Business, sports or personal?

PLOOBIS: Uh... Scred?

SCRED: Medical, Your Grossness.

PLOOBIS: [nods] O Mighty Favog, it's medical!

FAVOG: Medical. It's gonna cost ya.

[LAUGHTER]

FAVOG: Three chickens, two swans and a duck.

PLOOBIS: Holy guacamole.

[LAUGHTER]

PLOOBIS: What'cha got on ya, Scred?

SCRED: Just two chickens. But that's car fare home!

PLOOBIS: O Favog, I offer you two chickens! It's all I got.

FAVOG: [sniffs] Business is slow, I'll take 'em.

PLOOBIS: Pay 'im the chickens.

SCRED: Oh, okay, but phooey anyway. Are ya ready?

FAVOG: Lay 'em on ya God.

SCRED: Here they come!

[ SCRED drops the chickens into the basin formed by FAVOG's arms. A toilet flushing sound is heard, then FAVOG belches. PLOOBIS reacts negatively to the smell. ]

FAVOG: Alright. Speech ya problem.

PLOOBIS: O Favog! My charming wife, Peuta, can't release her darts.

[LAUGHTER]

FAVOG: Hmm. Alright! Ya ready?

PLOOBIS & SCRED: We are ready, O Mighty Favog!

[ The sound of thunder is heard as the lights flicker on and off. PLOOBIS & SCRED look around in awe. ]

FAVOG: Here is de answer!

PLOOBIS: Yeah?

FAVOG: Cheer up. Things could be worse.

[ A gong strikes. ]

PLOOBIS: For that, I paid two chickens!?

FAVOG: Like I said, cheer up. Things could be worse. You coulda paid four chickens. Next!

SCRED: Hey, you can't argue with that!

PLOOBIS: Yeah, but...

FAVOG: I'm here every day! Tell your friends!

[APPLAUSE, FADE TO BLACK]

MONOLOGUE 3[]

WRITTEN BY: George Carlin

[ CARLIN appears once again on the Monologue Stage, to applause from the audience. He pulls odd faces to stings from Hd Shore's band. ]

CARLIN: D'you ever... dial a phone and forget who you're calling?

[LAUGHTER]

Don't you feel dumb? You don't know whether to hang on and hope you recognize the voice or not. Then, when you remember who it was, you have to call back, so you change your voice so they don't think you're a moron, right?

[LAUGHTER]

Did you ever... look at yourself in store windows when you're walking past the stores? "Hey, I look cool in the store window, man!" Have I done these jokes before tonight?

[LAUGHTER]

Please tell me!

[LAUGHTER]

Why is there no blue food?

[LAUGHTER]

I can't find blue food. I can't find a flavor of blue. I mean green is lime, yellow's lemon, orange is orange, red is cherry, what's blue? There's no blue. Oh, they say, "blueberries!" Uh uh. Blue on the vine, purple on the plate. There's no blue food, man!

[LAUGHTER]

Where is the blue food? We want the blue food! Probably, it bestows immortality. They're keeping it from us! Can I have the blue food, please? I'll take my vitamin. Take vitamins? Do you ever travel with vitamins?

[LAUGHTER]

Oh, wow. I mean, if you take a lot of vitamins, and they're not the kind that says Joe's Vitamin on the side... but plain-looking vitamins. And you have a whole lot of 'em, you don't take the whole big jumbo thing on the road! You take as many as you need! And they're not marked! And the jar you put them in isn't marked! And if a policeman really wants to give you a hard time...

[LAUGHTER]

...he can hold you overnight while they check the vitamins. That's why I travel with Flintstone vitamins! [mimes holding up a bottle and smiling]

[LAUGHTER]

The term "jumbo shrimp" has always amazed me. What is a jumbo shrimp?

[LAUGHTER]

I mean, it's like "military intelligence," the words don't go together, man! How do they...

[LAUGHTER & APPLAUSE]

THE IMPOSSIBLE TRUTH[]

WRITTEN BY: Albert Brooks

[TITLE CARD: A FILM WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY ALBERT BROOKS]

[TITLE; THE IMPOSSIBLE TRUTH]

[ A shot of a globe zooms in while the text of the NARRATOR's introductory monologue scrolls past. Bombastic newsreel orchestra music plays. ]

NARRATOR: For years, people have been searching for the truth. Some have been astounded when finding truth, and some never find it and are still astounded. The Impossible Truth scans the globe, looking for the events that will astound everybody, thereby bringing us all closer together.

[ A spinning newspaper from the Impossible Truth News stops on the headline CABBIE GOES BLIND, STILL DRIVES. Cut to a taxicab pulling up to a Manhattan sidewalk. ]

NARRATOR: New York cab driver temporarily blinded still puts in 45-hour week!

INTERVIEWER: Excuse me!

CABBIE: [eating in his car] Hmm? [looks the wrong way]

INTERVIEWER: Sir? [cabbie looks the correct way] Yes, how did this happen to you?

CABBIE: Well, I was takin' a fare to one of those movie premieres, you know? You know, with them big spotlights?

INTERVIEWER: Where they have the lights in the sky?

CABBIE: Yeah.

INTERVIEWER: Yeah, right?

CABBIE: I always wondered how they get 'em so bright. So I went and stared into it.

INTERVIEWER: Yeah?

CABBIE: Yeah.

INTERVIEWER: Stared into the light?

CABBIE: Yeah.

INTERVIEWER; For how long?

CABBIE: 'Bout a half an hour.

INTERVIEWER: Yeah?

CABBIE: But the doctor says it's only temporary. My excite'll probably come back.

INTERVIEWER: Oh, that's good. And yet you still drive!

CABBIE: Damn right, I still drive! What should I do, sit home and collect welfare? I know this city like the back of my hand.

INTERVIEWER: Yeah?

CABBIE: That's right.

[ A PASSENGER gets into his cab. ]

INTERVIEWER: Well, congratulations!

CABBIE: Thank you!

PASSENGER: 56th and Madison.

CABBIE: Gotta go now, pal. Got a fare.

INTERVIEWER: Okay.

CABBIE: Any cars in front of us?

PASSENGER: No.

[ The cab drives off, to the sound of honking. The spinning newspaper once again shows us a headline: ISRAEL AND GEORGIA TRADE PLACES. Cut to a crowded conference room with the Isreali and Georgian [the state] flag on the wall. ]

NARRATOR: In an unprecedented move to ease world tension, the country of Israel and the state of Georgia have agreed to change places. The entire state of Georgia - residents, businesses, all forms of commerce - will relocate in the Middle East on January 1st, 1977. No buildings will be moved. It will be an even property exchange.

ISRAELI OFFICIAL: This is, indeed, an auspicious occasion of the 20th century. And I hope New Orleans will be easier to deal with than Cairo.

[ The assembled crowd applauds. ]

GEORGIAN OFFICIAL: I know that my entire state is looking forward to heat without humidity!

[ The crowd applauds again. Cut to the spinning newspaper, a new headline: AGE OF CONSENT LOWERED TO SEVEN IN OREGON. Cut to a MAN in a leisure jacket amicably chatting to a very young GIRL at a fancy restaurant. ]

NARRATOR: In a sweeping majority vote, this progressive state has decided to lower the age of consent from 18 to 7. Businesses of all types report a surge in activity!

MAN: Actually, uh, I'm-- I'm in advertising. [reaches in his jacket] Here, I'll show you. This is my company here. [hands the GIRL his business card]

GIRL: I can't read yet.

MAN: Oh, well... this says that I'm in charge of casting. We cast a lot of people, you know, like yourself.

GIRL: Mmhmm!

MAN: You have very... nice cheekbones.

INTERVIEWER: Excuse me, sir. I'm with The Impossible Truth, uh, do you live up in this area?

MAN: No, I'm from L.A.

INTERVIEWER: Ah. Who's your date?

MAN: It's just someone I'm talking to here.

INTERVIEWER: Uh, let me ask you something--

MAN: Why don't you just leave us for a little while?

INTERVIEWER: Uh. Alright.

MAN: Uh... I'm staying, uh... at the inn, you know, out by the airport there?

GIRL: Yeah?

MAN: Maybe, I don't know if you have time...

NARRATOR: Although The Impossible Truth airs what it must, some things it airs disgusts it.

[ Cut once again to the spinning newspaper, its headline: THE IMPOSSIBLE TRUTH PEEKS INTO THE FUTURE. Cut to a person swimming laps in their pool. ]

NARRATOR: While you are viewing this, The Impossible Truth continues to investigate new leads. Like the woman who swims 24 hours a day, every day of her life!

[ Cut to a man eating an egg in a room of his house, flanked by two windows. ]

NARRATOR: Or the man who can eat a thousand eggs!

[ Cut to a different man, reading the newspaper in an armchair. ]

NARRATOR: Or the genius with an IQ of over 240!

[ Cut back to the globe from the beginning, with oveerlaid text as always. ]

NARRATOR: It should be known that The Impossible Truth is a fully copyrighted feature. Infringement of that copyright can lead to a long and costly legal battle that we will win! As for now, The Impossible Truth continues to scan the globe.

[ The spinning newspaper returns, this time reading THE END. APPLAUSE, FADE TO BLACK ]

BEE HOSPITAL[]

WRITTEN BY: Rosie Shuster

[ TITLE CARD: BEE HOSPITAL overlaid over an illustration of a hospital over a cloudy sky. Soap opera organ music plays. ]

DON PARDO: And now, we return to Bee Hospital.

[ Six expectant fathers, all named MR. BEE (Garrett, John, Dan, Chevy, Michael, & an unknown extra) mill around a waiting room. A NURSE (Jane) walks in from the delivery room, holding a baby. She walks up to Dan (MR. BEE #1). All are wearing very cheap bee costumes. ]

MR. BEES: [all literally buzzing expectantly]

NURSE #1: Mr. Bee!

MR. BEE #1: Yes?

NURSE #1: Congratulations, it's a drone!

MR. BEES: [congratulatory] It's a drone! Congratulations! It's a drone!

[ NURSE #1 hands the baby drone over to MR. BEE #1 and they walk out of frame, stage left. A bell rings and the door opens again - NURSE #2 (Laraine) walks up to MR. BEE #2 (Garrett) with a baby. ]

NURSE #2: Mr. Bee?

MR. BEE #2: Yes?

NURSE #2: Congratulations, it's a drone.

MR. BEES: It's a drone!

[ NURSE #2, MR. BEE #2 and the bouncing baby drone exit stage left and the rest of the MR. BEES begin buzzing again. NURSE #3 (Gilda) enters and walks up to MR. BEE #3 (Belushi) with a baby. ]

NURSE #3: Mr. Bee?

MR. BEE #3: Yes?

NURSE #3: Congratulations, it's a worker!

MR. BEE #3: [disappointed] It's a worker?


MR. BEES: [consoling him] It's a worker. It's a worker. Hey! It's a worker. Congratulations.

MR. BEE #3: Aww, it's a worker!

[ Fade to TITLE CARD ]

DON PARDO: Thus concludes this week's chapter of Bee Hospital. And now, a scene from next week's episode of Bee Hospital.

[ Fade back to the MR. BEES, buzzing around the waiting room. NURSE #1 enters and walks up to MR. BEE #4 (Chevy). ]

NURSE #1: Mr. Bee?

MR. BEE #4; Yes?

NURSE #1: Congratulations, Mr. Bee. It's a queen.

[ The other MR. BEES cheer in stunned admiration. Fade back to TITLE CARD, then to black. ]




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