Cold Open Sketch Pre-recorded Weekend Update Music Performance Other
Having not been given the opportunity to open the show until now, John Belushi holds the sketch hostage and requests that a list of his demands be met before he says the opening line.
Jack Burn's Monologue
Jack Burns fulfills the desire to touch himself on national television.
The Farbers Meet The Coneheads
Larry (John Belushi) and Bobbi Farber (Gilda Radner) invite their new neighbors, The Coneheads, over for dinner.
Santana Performs "Black Magic Woman"
Marine Sergeant Wee Boyd (Dan Aykroyd) and his bride, Private Kathleen Lizetti (Jane Curtin), endure a military wedding service.
A Town Without Pity
Eliot Ness (Dan Aykroyd) is called in to take India from Indira Gandhi's (Laraine Newman) hands, as is the will of the people
Weekend Update With Jane Curtin
Jane Curtin invites a cardboard cutout of Harry Reasoner to join her at the Weekend Update desk. Jane announces this year's Oscar winners based on results stolen from the Price-Waterhouse accounting firm.
A pharmicist (Dan Aykroyd) prescribes leeches as the old-fashioned headache remedy.
The Story Of The Squatters
Early American crouchers settle the frontier for their clan.
A sketch about a business executive (Jack Burns) who commits suicide is ruined when Jack Burns forgets to duck after jumping through the window.
Jack Burns Is Rocky
Jack Burns trains to be like "Rocky", in a film by Gary Weis.
Ask Big Daddy
As a follow-up to "Ask President Carter", Walter Cronkite (Bill Murray) interviews Idi Amin (Garrett Morris), who is quiet about a recent massacre.
In a short film, a vending machine appears in the desert.
Richardo Montalban (Dan Aykroyd) endorses the underwear message service.
Santana Performs "Europa"
Drunk Comedy Writer
Gilda Radner and Jane Curtin meet washed-up comedy writer Gags Beasley (Jack Burns) in a bar, and listen to some of his stale jokes.